Christmas In My Car by Paul Alexander, LCSW-R

    Since September we've probably seen the signs of Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and Hanukkah in the store, heard it on the radio, and seen it on TV. One person I counseled the other morning said she just kept pressing the TV remote switch to bypass the holiday commercials. Many of us would like to take the remote switch and bypass the holidays, and not have to deal with the stress, feelings,  and grief reactions that are can be overwhelming.

     If you're dreading the holidays, or crying every time you hear Silent Night, or go running the other way when you see the trick or treaters on Halloween....you're not crazy!. The holidays hold  a lot of power and of lot of shoulds. We're supposed to celebrate, we're supposed to be happy and joyful and full of cheer!  The truth is that following a loss, we are in a new land moving as best we can. One may not be  able or want to be involved in the usual celebrations and rituals.

     It's hard work to look happy when we are maneuvering the path of grief. Friends and family can be uncomfortable with our grief  and not know how to handle us or feel we want to avoid the subject of our loved one. If we wore  body casts  people would remember to treat us with some tender care. Teaching others what we want and need is difficult when we don’t even know what we need at times. Perhaps we may feel the holiday is moving us further away from our loved one. The holiday is proof that the calendar is moving on and life has not halted.

     With the expectation of the holiday approaching and feeling quite in a haze I had Christmas in my car last week. It just kind of happened.  I was starting to overwhelm myself thinking about the  obligations of the season.  Where would I go for Christmas day and Christmas eve? What did I want to do and with whom? Every thing seemed too much to decide.  After not being able to take it any longer and nearly driving myself crazy from indecision and anguish I decided Christmas for this year was happening at that moment in my car. There were  no gifts to be exchanged,  no wrappings, no trees, no tinsel.  There was just the  music of my favorite artist and my comfort of knowing that something bigger was with me and around me.

      I didn't plan it. It just happened. I was playing a Christmas album by Kathy Mattea and listening to the words and finding comfort in the music. It was a gentle Christmas moment in my car honoring my loved ones and my grief and my faith. I was able to feel the sadness and also the simple message of hope . I did not  run away from my truth at the moment and also gave myself permission to be fully present to all that I was feeling. It was a tender Christmas. Through the sounds of the music Kathy was singing, I didn't run away from who I was or the reality of my loss.  I also felt very connected to my loved ones and  to a quiet stillness that surrounded me in my car. I felt my soul this Christmas. Driving at 55mph on the New Jersey Turnpike  I came face to face with myself and I didn't run away.

I wish that for you this Christmas, Hanukkah and Holiday season.  I wish you moments of truth, of peace, or resting in the stillness of your truth .

Paul Alexander is a licensed psychotherapist and singer/songwriter with numerous recordings including the DVD: Facing the Holidays Following a Loss.

Helpful Resources for facing the Holidays

A Ray of Hope: Facing the Holidays Following a Loss DVD/VHS
Healing Meditation CD
A Christmas Journey with Paul Alexander CD
Wrap Myself In A Rainbow CD
A Grief Guide and Healing Workbook