| Options For Coping With Grief & Loss | Grief Support |
Options For Coping With Grief & Loss
1. TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE - DO WHAT IS NECESSARY FOR YOU. We may struggle to hold onto what “was” in the framework of life as we “knew” it. We may feel like HUMPTY -DUMPTY trying to put the pieces back together again. Our attempts at feeling in control may be like putting square pegs into round holes. We bang, push, shove and try to survive and move from moment to moment, day by day as best we could.
2. GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK - BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF Life is different now. Your expectation of self may have to change daily or even hour by hour. Grief will affect you physically, and emotionally and you may go in circles with mood , emotions and thoughts. Your reactions to friends, family and strangers may surprise you and catch you off guard or feel new , alien and even CRAZY at times. Let go of expectations that you have to behave or look a certain way or satisfy others' expectations of you. Practice self kindness over and over again. Find a Loving and Compassionate voice from people who treated you kindly or were caring teachers. Connect to a spiritual guide who is all loving and caring at every minute of every day. Forgive yourself for not being able to make sense of it all, and surrender to the unknown unfoldings of how you feel , react, and even cope. Do not expect a linear transition from feeling bad to feeling good. Grief is a dance or a balancing act. You may feel lighter one day and then the next feel like you did soon after the funeral. Two steps forward..one step back has been used by many when speaking of the grief walk. Let go of the “round the monopoly” version of grief. I will go through these stages and phases and then I will at least be doing it right. A more realistic way is the “I am here Now” version which allows you to honor your own process and truth while still being aware of what we know about what grief looks , smells, sounds, and feels like! 3. TALK YOUR WALK - HOW ARE YOU GRIEVING Wrestling with all the emotions, thoughts , memories, and activities of grief and mourning is hard work. There is a time and place for silence and self reflection and inner work and there is also a wisdom to expressing these many feelings and thoughts and behaviours that come in response to your loss. I always ask HOW ARE YOU GRIEVING? Although feelings are a big part of our psychological being there are many other ways that we experience grief and come face to face with the reality. Whenever possible in one on one conversations or in support group speak of your total experience since your loved one died. Whatever the feelings may include (from loneliness, to sadness, yearning, anger, guilt, regret) try to find the words that voice your truth and let others know what grief feels like for you. How are you spending your time? What activities help? As important as talking is and sharing your story be aware that many have different ways of grieving and chopping down a tree for someone may have as much emotional impact as crying.
There is a song I wrote called Seesaw. It is not possible to ride on a seesaw alone. We need a friend to help us share the ride. Many of us have personalities that can isolate. Although I treasure my own company it is IMPERATIVE to seek the support, eyes and ears, help and comfort, nurturance and love of those able to give it to you. “Won’t you come and be my partner share the ride with me, Do you remember all the people who said: “If there is anything I can do please call” Create a list of these names. Send them a letter asking for their support and friendship. 6. SAY WHAT YOU WANT-SAY WHAT YOU NEED...EDUCATE FOR YOUR SAKE If people forget what you need..TELL THEM. Sometimes in the hardest time of our life we have to remind people that we’re not over the climb yet. This may be 5 years after the death or it may be 5 months. There are times we won’t know what we need or even don’t care. But there will be plenty of times when we know, sense, feel our needs regarding our grief and adjustment to the new world without our loved one . I remember a recently bereaved mother whose one month old daughter died from a rare genetic disorder totally in shock when she received an invitation to a baby shower the next month. It was unsettling to learn she received the “invite” without a phone call to discuss it. But she took the initiative to call her “friend” and tell her that it would be too much for her at this time. Finding simple phrases that communicate your need and present inner life are helpful to write down. Telling others you need to talk , or need to hear your loved ones name, or that life is different now and you are doing your best in uncharted territory communicates that “you are not over it YET” even if they think you are. 7. AVOID MAKING MAJOR LIFE CHANGES This is not a time to rush into decisions or make major changes. Often the experience of grief will cause one to want to flee or change jobs, or relocate to a new home. Making major changes without giving oneself the time and space to adapt to the loss may be something one regrets later on. During the first year do your best to hold off on major changes as you may be creating new losses. Also seek the advice of trusted people who can help you wrestle with the painful chaos that often is churned up. 8. MAKING SMALL GOALS-LIMIT EXPECTATIONS In facing the day to day and week to week schedule finding energy and desire to revisit the world and one’s responsibilities can be overwhelming. Some find refuge and nurturance in returning to work and keeping busy. This can be one way of coping with the pain as well as giving one a feeling of having some control. Yet if work is being used to hide from the pain it unfortunately will find a way for you to deal with it. It is not an easy ride. For some getting to work and home without crying or snapping at everyone who says the wrong thing will take major energy. You may need to find ways at work where you can release your grief and take time for yourself. Whether it is shopping for food, going to church, going to a social gathering make choices and goals in small ways. I found I could not tolerate the family gatherings for the first two years after my mom’s death. I could not do things the same way. So I went Christmas eve instead of Christmas day and planned to go to Florida on Christmas day. It took a lot of inner maneuvering and goal setting and discomfort but it worked in its fashion. Now five years later I am able to be present in a new way at gatherings. There is a new feeling internally that feels lighter and not involved in the mourning of yesterday. The memories and a tug at the heart entwine with the present relationships that are here now. 9. ALLOW TIME IN THE DARKNESS...a COCOON OF HOPE I retreated after several losses that occurred around the same time. I partially relocated and entered my own world. I was fortunate to have a physical location to use as a retreat . I often wonder what it would have been like if I hadn’t had this option. Yet we all can take time for ourselves to be in the stillness, away from the happenings of the world and other peoples’ stuff! Remember when you were a kid and you would hide or build places of sanctuary? Maybe you would take a big cardboard box and cover it with blankets and retreat from all your responsibilities. You found a comfort in being hidden in a secret place , at least for a while.As we encounter our losses and yearning for the connection that was so unique to us it is good to take time in our darkness, our secret place. Curl up under the blankets , build a cocoon of warmth and safety, retreat into a world in a place that is your own... once in a while or even longer. Many caring people will worry about signs of depression and intense sadness. And certainly a clinical depression can result from a major loss. Yet there is also the darkness where we do healing work for our psyche..where we somehow face the depth of our sorrow and let it speak to us. Thomas Moore in his bestseller CARE OF THE SOUL offers a healing perspective . He states:Depression may be as important a channel for valuable negative feelings, as expressions of affection are for the emotions of love. Feelings of love give birth naturally to gestures of attachment. In the same way, the void of grayness of depression evoke an awareness and articulation of thoughts otherwise hidden behind the screen of lighter moods. Melancholy gives the soul an opportunity to express a side of its nature that is as valid as any other, but is hidden out of our distaste for its darkness and bitterness . (p.138) Moore goes on to say that five or six hundred years ago, melancholy was identified with the Roman god Saturn. To be depressed was to be in Saturn. Saturn has a preference for the good old days, the days gone by.In our facing the world in a new way and finding a place that is tolerable and one day hopefully where joy can come in it may be wise not to be harsh with the part of us that seeks the darkness and the quiet and the melancholy. 10. MEDIATION/PRAYER...CONNECT TO THE SPIRITUAL In my late 20's I had Bells Palsy which affected my cranial nerve and made me look facially as if I had a stroke. That's a very scarey thing especially for a singer. As a result of this condition I realized it was time to surrender to a power bigger than myself. It was time to seek the silence. My ego and my roadmap was not enough. In many ways this commitment to my meditation changed my life. Elevator doors would open just when I needed them. Not really..but doors did start opening as I opened myself up to trust something beyond myself and deep within. It was amazing that sitting in the calm of the moment, began not only to give me a clearer vision of how to move forward but somehow helped me feel my life had a flow. Meditation has many benefits for our health such as lowering stress, increasing our immune system, lowering blood pressure, and affording one with a sense of well being. When encountering grief we often find ourselves overstressed, and overwhelmed by its impact. Often in response or as a coping mechanism we often busy ourselves excessively in pursuit of something beyond our pain. I recall an incident after my Dad’s death in 1993. I has home in my apartment and in an obsessive mood began cleaning my closets out. I began throwing things away just for the sake of emptying out. I went frantically through my space tidying up bookshelves , scrubbing floors and vacuuming. I literally went from one thing to another without finishing any job. In a whirlwind and in sweat, I caught a glimpse in the mirror of my frenetic activity with at least six projects goings at once. It was almost humorous to observe myself in such a state. I sat down, quieted myself, took some deep breaths and in finding my inner silence I also found the truth of that frantic moment. Tears came in uncontrollable waves. It had found me and caught up with me and it was good. At other times finding the quiet within can help muster up a reserve of inner strength, bring us guidance to questions or problems, and also give us an opportunity to connect to spiritual wisdom and a prayer life of our choice. Besides counting our breaths and other meditation techniques we can open ourselves to God, Jesus, Mary, the angels and the saints, our loved ones in a prayer life for ourself and for others. Sometimes the only prayer necessary is thy will be done. I believe that what we need to survive is always available to us. Practicing meditation can enrich one with a sense of peace and renewed energy to move on or to focus when the world is spinning too fast. |
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On my mother’s 80th birthday with all the candles burning, I asked her for some advice on how to live life. I figured at 80 she had a good track record. She got very quiet for a moment obviously taking this question seriously and probably realizing too how special this moment would be in future days for me. “TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE.” For someone like myself, whose 8th grade teacher said that I move to the music of a different drummer, these words reverberated through me. I realize these words apply to those facing loss and change and have been helped me listen to my drummer in my walk up the grief mountain. TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE. There is a way through grief that may not reveal itself as a blueprint or a map that outlays the total path. From moment to moment , day to day, situation to situation, prayer to prayer one can try to be true to one’s self in determining how one needs to cope with the loss. Own it, honor it , let it go. Lately in my acting class the teacher has been emphasizing how important it is not to enter the scene with a predetermined idea of how it will play out. You leave yourself alone and try to avoid giving a line reading. A line reading is an actor delivering the script in a predetermined way because she feels it should sound a certain way. There is freedom in entering the situation and just being. There is freedom from expectations of self and others when as best we could we allow the words of my mom and acting coach to help guide us, allowing one’s inner truth to shine through even in the hardest of times.
When something impacts on us deeply we need to wrap our minds around it. We seek to understand it. We tell what happened. We sort through the facts and incidents to find a place in our reality for what has occured. Sometimes we need to tell this story over and over and one needs to allow that opportunity. It is important to find ears and witnesses who will help hold our story. When our connections of meaning are altered in this world there is a deep part of us that finds it difficult to accept. Is this real? Our minds and hearts need as best we can to understand what has happened and to record it , repeat it, revisit it, explore it, feel it, tell it and sometimes over and over. It often exceeds the socially accepted tolerance that we allow each other. It then becomes our job to find places and people where we can tell our story and perhaps also listen to others tell their story. Finding a counselor, therapist, clergy or friend who LISTENS will serve as a WITNESS to your testimony and experience. You may also be open to who comes into your life to listen to these words. Do not minimalize or judge your need to tell this story, It is an important part of your history and as well as the legacy of your loved one.P.O. Box 858 :: Amagansett, NY 11930 :: 1-800-538-4158